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Cross-posted from PF.

While I am a long-time sufferer of anxiety, I'm not sure if I've ever really had a panic attack. For those of you who follow my various social media, my job stressing me out is nothing new. Since Christmas, I've been working pretty flat out, with extra work on weekends. Last weekend was supposed to be the end of a very busy period, but over the last two days, a whole lot of new tasks came up. Not for the near future, necessarily, and if I sit down and work through them all, it's probably not so bad, but the fact that they were all proposed in a short space of time is probably what set me off.

The possibility of juggling two projects again (Y I K E S)
A work trip to organise
A work meeting to organise
"Hey, why don't you organise a conference again?"
Upcoming job applications
Grad students needing constant attention like hungry cats running around my ankles
Two papers to finish

So yesterday at lunch, instead of reading a book chapter for fun like I intended, I read through a proposal from a co-worker (which she asked me to do that morning, but to be fair, she only found out she had to write it two days before). As I was reading it, more emails for various tasks I had to do just kept coming in, and I felt myself tense up and a headache start to grow as I got more and more stressed. It felt like a slow-motion panic attack. I wanted to go home there and then, but I had commitments in the afternoon, so I stuck it out. My brain felt fried. I couldn't think properly, but somehow got through on autopilot. I went home before 6 (instead of working until almost 7 as usual or going to Muay Thai) and basically went straight to bed. My head didn't even hurt that much, but I felt so exhausted I couldn't do anything at all.

There are activities I wanted to do today that require going outside, but once again, I'll probably ditch them and then feel worse. One of those activities is Taekwon-Do, but I have to commute to get to training, and while TKD always makes me feel better mentally, the commute sucks up so much of my day that I feel like I'm missing out on other things :-(

(cross-posted from pillowfort)

I posted this on tumblr in January. Last year I kept a WIP / story idea list that I updated at the start of this year. I'll post is here as well as a form of self-motivation!

Here is the list, in rough order of priority. And I mean very rough! Except for the one at the top, which is the highest priority, and that's editing my book.

Rendezvous editing (original romance)
Maid Cafe other chapters (kylux)
The many adventures of Hux (kylux)
Titleception (kylux)
Divinity chapter 2 (original, historical fantasy collab)
AICO revise again (original short story)
Emissaries (revise/edit - original short storty)
Kylux disaster wedding
Nightmares (original short story)
Sci-fi story chapter 1 (original, 3rd re-write)
Cranky Hux fix (kylux)
BDSM fake dating (kylux)
Accidental cowsona Hux (kylux)
Grandmaster/Loki
Reylux desert island (I can't think of an ending for this, so who knows if it will happen)
Feet? (kylux)
Geriatric kylux
Triumvirate final

Now that the super busy work period has died down a little, I hope to get more writing done. I have more "real academic job" applications to do (aka tenure track type positions!), but now that I've done all the prep work for one (research plan, CV, cover letter), I can recycle 95% of the material for other applications. I don't even want to work in academia, lol. But I'm in too deep.... fml

I still don't know what the fuck to put on the various different platforms, but everyone else seems to be writing proper journal type things, so here I go.

This week, I applied for my first grown-up academic job, despite the fact that I want to run screaming into the woods and be a reclusive writer. An assistant professor post opened up at my university. My boss encouraged me (and others) to apply. Other people also encouraged me. I don't have high hopes, since (1) no one gets the first academic job they apply for, (2) boss's ex-golden boy is also applying, (3) other people's former students are applying, (4) my publication record isn't great. On the other hand, in the last two years, I've learned a hell of a lot about project management, supervising students, etc. I've done a lot of things that university employers like, like organising conferences, being a representative on various committees, forming a student organisation, being president of various things (I have a bad habit of rising to the top of any organisation I am part of). So who knows what will happen!

One of the things I had to do for this application is write my own research plan, meaning come up with some (gasp) original science plans. Unbelievably, I have something. It took a short conversation with my boss to get some inspiration, and then I powered through a one day literature review and then wrote the whole plan the next day. Ideally, more time would have been good, but I had limited time. The nice thing about having done it, though, is that now I can use it for other job applications, so that takes a heavy load off.

And I still don't know if I want to do this! I've been doing it so long, and I'm getting the hang of it. Honestly, I never, ever thought I'd be in this position. I was shit at physics in high school (I had a bad teacher!) and I was never a straight A student at university thanks to my shitty time management skills and liking to socialise. However, the top students I studied with have all gone off to do other things not in academia. And yet I am here, and they are not. Interesting how things pan out.

Okay, this one is not just fandom, but quite general, so here goes. Taken from

birdsweredinosaurs

1:Describe your year in one word
Stress

2:Describe your year in three words
stress then okay?

3:Describe your year in one sentence
After a lot of low confidence and the plague of migraines wrecked me, a tiny amount of work-related praise and success helped revitalise my motivation somewhat.

4:Describe your year with song lyrics
Don't push me

5:Describe your year with a quote/quotes
"My only hope is that the Big Lewbowski kills me before the Germans can cut my dick off."

6:Best memories from 2018?
Probably going to Barcelona in July. It was for a conference, but there were extra holiday days on either side. My sister was at the conference with me and so were lots of people from my university. It was a lot of fun, with lots of conference memes between everyone. And Barcelona is such a nice city! I did spend a night of migraine-induced vomiting just before the conference started, though :-/
Another good one was MCM in May, where I cosplayed sexy Snoke and met up with kylux friends!

7:Worst memories from 2018?
"Pep talks" from the boss. Ugh.

8:Biggest surprise in 2018?
People telling me I should apply for faculty positions?? People telling me that they really appreciate me at work????? aka a tiny shred of positive feedback.

9:If you could change one thing about the past year what would it be?
I wish I could erase the migraines. They kept hitting me on weekends, which sucked into my free time. My concentration was fucked for days afterwards. I thought I was just lazy, and then looked into migraine symptoms, and there is something called postdrome and it's REAL.

10:If you could relive one day from 2018, which day would you choose and why?
Just going swimming in warm water in Barcelona! And hanging out there with my sister.

11:What's the strangest thing that happened to you in 2018?
Most of my strange experiences are self-induced. I can't think of anything in particular.

12:If you got the chance to relive this year would you do it?
No.

13:Describe your year with pictures/drawings

14:Who were the most meaningful people in your life this past year?
Husband, sister, and fandom friends! I don't live remotely near any of my friends from high school/university/etc, and these days I'm much closer to people from fandom.

15:Did any major life changes happen to you in the past year?
Not really.

16:Who's the coolest person you met in 2018?
I don't know.

17:Any regrets concerning the past year?
The same regret I still have, which is not changing my life in a significant way to make it less stressful.

18:What is the most memorable thing that happened to you in 2018?
Being sexy Snoke flanked by two lobster guards. An unintentionally hilarious Nobel prize panel at a conference.

19:Would you say you had a good year?
Not really, but it didn't feel as miserable as 2016, or my worst year of 2009.

20:What's the greatest achievement you made this year?
Getting some physics stuff to work! Finishing the first draft of my first original novel!

21:Name one meaningful song for every month of the past year
I'm really bad with these kinds of questions, because I have a very limited musical palette.

22:What's the best thing that was said to you this year?
My academic staff mentor saying that I am doing way more work than is normally expected of a postdoc. it was so validating that I nearly cried.

23:What's the worst thing that was said to you this year?
Undeserved bitching.

24:What's the best gift you received this year?
I've gotten lots of little small fandom things from many people, and I very much treasure them all!

25:Best book you read in 2018?
I only read one book (I NEED TO READ MORE!!! I USED TO READ SO MUCH!!), and that was The Left Hand of Darkness.

26:Best tv show you watched in 2018?
I don't watch much TV at all. I guess American Gods?

27:Best movie you saw in 2018?
I watched hardly anything! But I really enjoyed Black Panther.

28:Best song you heard in 2018?
I like Muse's new album a lot.

29:Most boring day of the year?
Lying on the couch in too much pain to do anything, including sleep. Not fun.

30:Saddest day of the year?
My nephew, who I'm not close with at all, got diagnosed with Lymphoma. He's 11 years old and is doing a lot of chemo at the moment :-/

31:Scariest moments in 2018?
Stupidly, I get terribly anxiety if I make any work-related mistakes.

32:Share the best picture you took in 2018

33:Share the best drawing/painting/other artwork you made in 2018
Not sure, but I'm proud of my kylux big bang fic - Get Physical

34:Did 2018 meet your expectations?
I legit thought it would be way less stressful than it was.

35:What's the most interesting experience you had in 2018?
I do science, so there is always interesting stuff, but nothing in particular stands out.

36:Would you say you've changed during this year?
I'm simultaneously more at the end of my rope and also getting on top of things. I've learned a lot more about managing people.

37:What's the bravest thing you did in 2018?
Give an invited talk! I've done this before, but it's one of the things that gives me a lot of anxiety, so I feel proud of myself every time I do it.

38:What's the hardest thing you did in 2018?
Trying to fix my problems.

39:What's the most impressive thing you did in 2018?
For me, the novel! I never wrote when I was younger. Started writing fanfic in 2016. And look at me now!

40:What's the kindest thing you did in 2018?
I feel like it's not for me to judge. I'm not sure what my actions mean to other people. I've continuously been supporting my husband financially, but I'm not really equipped to deal with his issues, so I probably say/do the wrong thing all the time.

41:What's the most honest/dishonest thing you did in 2018?
What simultaneously felt like both was going to therapy. Whenever I talked about my problems, I felt like I was exaggerating everything and that I'm really just lazy and useless.

42:What were the biggest events in your life in 2018?
Big conference in Barcelona, going to a wedding, going to a bunch of cons. Nothing really huge, I guess!

43:What songs do you think will make you remember this year?
Again, probably the new Muse album.

44:Did this year teach you anything?
People in academia really don't tell you when you're doing well. I knew this before, but now I know it even more. I've been slowly learning how to manage my boss. I've adopted new organisation tactics at work.

45:What do you expect from the new year?
This year will have a lot going on! I'm going to Star Wars Celebration, I'm hopefully going to New Zealand in July. I'm applying for academic positions. I'm going to publish my book. I have to decide if we're going to stay in the UK or not beyond November.

(Cross-posted from pillowfort)

I like these little "blanket boxes" going around. This is the one I'm doing now.

Total number of completed stories: I wrote 14 fanfics, one original short story, completed the first draft of my novel, and wrote a couple of chapters of an original historical fantasy story (which will be the first novel out of several).

Total word count: Not sure exactly, but around 100k if I include fanfic and original works.

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted? I wrote much more than I thought I did! More fanfic than last year, but all up a similar number of words. I had a lot of migraines this year, which cut into writing time and free time in general. Maybe I've gotten more efficient on my good days? Doesn't really feel like that though. I genuinely don't know how I managed to write this much.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? I wrote kylux, entirely as predicted.

What's your own favourite story of the year? Not necessarily the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest? Get Physical was my "special interest" fic! I like how it turned out a lot. Modern AU where Kylo and Hux are physicists and Hux is the asshole academic of your nightmares.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them? I wrote angst for the first time! My writing is predominantly made up of smutty one-shots, though I occasionally write series. After The Last Jedi, I really wanted to write some kylux angst, during which they are dealing with the aftermath. Hux being really fucked up with terrible coping mechanisms and Kylo realising that he kind of needs him. What did I learn? I guess that I can do it!

From my past year of writing, what was....

My best story of this year: This is hard for me to judge! I don't really know.

My most popular story of this year: The angst fic, Shrapnel (in terms of both hit count and kudos)

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: The bald kink crackfic, but honestly, that's for the best XD

Most fun story to write: On Chandrila!

Most difficult story to write: Probably What To Expect When You're Not Expecting, because it was my first reylux and also a trope that I've never written and don't normally read. It was for a fic exchange.

Most Unintentionally Telling Story: All of my stories are deliberately telling.

Do you have any writing goals for the new year? Last year, I stressed myself out too much over various things, so I don't want to commit to x number of words per unit of time. However, I would like to finally release my romance novel (which is in editing right now), finish a draft of an original historical fantasy novel (currently on chapter 2), submit two original stories to places to try to get them published, and write a bunch of fanfic!

I'm having serious LJ flashbacks. I never did fandom on LJ. It's where all my irl friends hung out, so mostly people just blogging about their own lives. Then facebook happened, the Russians took over LJ, and it died (except for one guy I know who still posts there and links the posts on his facebook).